Sum of the Known

One aspect to being part of an alternative family is knowing that you are going to have to go above and beyond to bring a child into your life.


Now there are many methods of doing this and you can read and research and talk for hours with other families, GLBT and Heterosexual to find out how they completed their circle. No matter which way you look at it how the child arrives in your life is always a sum of factors.


The varied sums of the x’s + y’s = z’s to bring Arden into our life brought us to n=Known Donor (KD).


Like apples, Known Donors come in varieties…. Granny Smith, Red Delicious, Macintosh…or Relative, non-Relative, Known but unknown to you before becoming your donor, Known to you as a friend, Known to you as a close friend, Wants to Co-parent, Doesn’t want to Co-parent, Wants to be an Uncle, Wants to remain anonymous, Wants to be known to child from day one…


The list goes on and I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard them all yet.


But this is about our answer. Our answer Known Donor type #450-something after a long struggle with an anonymous donor from your friendly neighborhood sperm bank that wasn’t bringing our family number up to 3.


We used a Known Donor of the Macintosh variety…a common KD situation. He is a friend of ours who doesn’t want to parent, who will be known sort of like an uncle. We’ll do our best to invite him to birthdays and special events. We did the contract dance. We tried to speak openly and honestly about expectations.


In the end we learned that we certainly are not soothsayers.


As more and more friends look into starting families the ones who are GLBT often ask us how we decided to create our family and ask us how we felt about using a KD.


Let me start by saying that our KD has been wonderful on so many layers. He sticks pretty much to our contract. He doesn’t call us obsessively, he doesn’t offer parenting advice, doesn’t ask to see her outside events that naturally toss us together.


For the most part his role was as predicted…..


In fact our issues with a KD are not with our KD (well there are a few gaffes that I’d rather not have faced, but I’ll write about those later and perhaps in more detail on a different day.)


Our KD issues stem from the rest of the people swirling about in our lives.


My mother is a good example of our common problem.


My mother in particular developed an OBSESSION with our KD. My mother never felt this way when we were using an anonymous donor. Suddenly she wanted to know everything about him…his family, his beliefs, how he FEELS about Arden, us, life… we answered and re-answered until finally we asked her to please stop. I fought hours and hours with her, trying to explain that as a KD he was not the father. He didn’t want to parent. For my entire pregnancy and for months after the birth she couldn’t go a single conversation without asking about him. She began a campaign for us to treat our situation like an open adoption where we would let Arden know from the beginning that he was her father. She refused to call him anything but the “father”.


Which he isn’t.


He is her donor, she will know at an appropriate age (we have no idea when this will be, I’m guessing fate will let us know) that he is her donor and depending on her age, relationship they develop really will be between them. In one way I know this will be good for Arden and I feel lucky the option will be there for her.


Her obsession makes it impossible for us to think about inviting our KD over for Thanksgiving, or Arden’s birthday or even just a barbecue if my mother might be there. The last thing I want to do is give her the opportunity to speak unhindered to him.


But let’s move on from my mother…


I’m going to bypass our hetero friends and focus on our GLBT friends…the people you would most likely expect to “get” our situation.


Oddly enough, they all play lip service to understanding but are the worst offenders of treating our KD like he is the father…giving gifts that congratulate all three of us on her birth (which might not seem like a big deal, but it is awkward as hell since it takes a married couple and thrusts another person between you), picking out features that belong each biological set of genetic donors effectively shutting out the non-bio parent, never respecting that you might not want the situation shared with people you run into on the street… “This is Arden did you know that *KD* is her father?”


**cringe**


Of course there are odd things that come from the KD himself. One tiny example…He got very excited about the pregnancy and one time ran up and kissed my stomach. I’m not a very touchy person….and that just creped me out. It was just a gesture pointing out that my family wasn’t going to be like the family next door. A gesture showing our KD had a sense of entitlement to do that. Luckily I think we saw each other 2x during those long 40 weeks.


We suspect to his coworkers and straight friends he presented his role in a different light…they invited him to an expectant parent’s knitting circle, they gave him all sorts of gifts for her, they run up to meet Arden at HRC events, they want to take pictures and be invited to birthdays. I worry that someday I’ll have to say something to one of them.


Often he seems to react to me like he and *I* have done something together.


It’s a bizarre situation.


Before her birth he decided to tell his sister who then wanted to know if she was an Aunt...technically yes, but really no. Arden has an aunt in my sister.


After her birth he changed his mind about wanting his parents to know, but we hadn’t changed ours about only having two sets of grandparents. We’re already bi-coastal in the grandparent area, plus there is only so much advice I can take from people I know and love.


I wouldn’t know what to do with these people who are not part of my life or family interacting with my daughter with a sense of propriety.


My instincts would go haywire.


Our decisions, already outlined in our contract, hurt his feelings.


That is probably the most problematic part of using a KD. You, from the moment you first talk to a person about being a KD have to consider a third set of feelings in procreation, pregnancy and throughout the child’s life. You become tied to this third party for the rest of YOUR life.


It is a specter hanging over you. The white elephant in the room. It is the one thing as a married couple you can’t escape.


People know you had to have help to have this child, if they know who helped you they can’t help but drag it from under the couch and into the limelight.


Obviously this is just our very glossed over, very condensed thoughts of using a KD.


But I wanted to share it. Often couples in desperation (we were there!) see a KD as the easy, ready, inexpensive solution.


Its not. It is a different choice. One where you don’t have the control anymore. One where you can’t, no matter how much you plan, predict how the world will react or even how your partner/spouse will react. One where the non-bio parent will face additional situations where they might feel as if their role as a parent is reduced.


Let me be clear though, it isn’t a bad choice. Not at all.


It just is not going to be you and your partner/spouse from that moment forward. No matter where you move, how your life changes you will always have that third party involved.


That is the sole purpose of my “little” discourse here, to suggest to other couples to think it through carefully. It isn’t an answer or a cheap fix, it is a dimension of life all of its own.