Part III: Cultural Curtain Call

I guess I owe a bit of an apology or an explanation since this post is a few days late, but lets just say I brought home a viral gift from Chicago that has turned out to be the type that keeps giving.


But a promise is a promise and here is the recap of THE CONVERSATION that made last Friday rank up there with Days I’d Rather Skip…..


After my answer that no, we hadn’t heard from KD regarding Arden she was immediately upset.


Had he forgotten her? Didn’t he care?


I explained that since we spoke constantly that KD knew she was fine.


A quick rebuff from my mom… Didn’t he want to see her? Was he going to reject her later?


For the millionth time I reviewed what I’ve shared here (plus a few more moments that I’m not ready to get into since it is too easy to judge someone without knowing him) and told her that we’d made a conscious decision to live closely by the KD Agreement to avoid more…moments.


I told her he wasn’t the type to ever reject Arden (in fact I think my past posts prove he won’t). I then had the pleasure of listening to her recount some TV program (that I have also watched) about “genius sperm” and a case where on 10 year old girl flew across country to meet her donor and the meeting was horrific.


I point out that that situation was supposed to be entirely anonymous and Arden’s situation was known. Reminded her that the mother in that situation sleuthed out who the donor was. That in my opinion the mother perhaps should have waited until her daughter was older to approach the donor since he, by the way he donated, did not want to ever be known to this girl. But that this woman had made a decision as a parent that she felt was in her child’s best interest and I would make my decisions for Arden as a parent.


In which case she countered with “Well why won’t you have a situation like an open adoption so Arden can know her father.”


GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.


Insert tape. Press play. Same response heard a thousand times already.


We don’t want to coparent. He doesn’t want to coparent. In fact he tends to want to be more known in a situation that gives him attention. That we can barely handle our own opinions (and unsaid - all the outside opinions)


Once again…He isn’t her father in the traditional sense. He is her donor. A genetic link without any type of parenting role. He will be invited to birthdays. He will be treated much like an uncle.


We accept that eventually Arden and KD will probably develop their own relationship. We’re her parents. We love her and will do whatever is in her best interest no matter the personal cost. Erin and I will deal with that reality then. But right now, during this period and many years to come, our arrangement stands.


My mother is now angry and insists that we’re going to ruin Arden’s and our lives by not treating this as an adoption.


Like the first time she brought this concept out I point out that Arden is not adopted. Our situation is different than adoption.


She points out that I have two adopted aunts who very much needed to know their biological parents. Again I remind her that Arden was conceived with help by both her parents, was brought into the world by both her parents and has been cared for daily by both her parents. She isn’t adopted. Her own conception will of course have its own set of questions but they are different from those my aunts had.


Along with this I review that Arden will exist in the unique world of GLBT culture where she will be surrounded by other families that resemble hers and were created like hers. That with the large support system we’re consciously developing that she will not feel alone. In fact that here she is 6 months old and we’re already organizing a whole Family Outreach for HRC in Boston with events planned to gather a community of support for all children in New England.


To which she counters, now outraged, that there was no such thing as a separate world.


I believe that there is. When I first came out I had to consciously go and find it, hone my gaydar, discover where to go to meet people and develop a social network. Much later in my life such a ‘gay underground’ has helped us land jobs in friendly organizations, find a home or ‘fun extras’ like receiving extra support from airline attendants while traveling with Arden or advice on what to do in whatever town we’re headed towards.


I point all of this out.


Her outrage is reaching the level of fury, insisting that there is not a separate culture, that she is very aware of life and that I am living in a dangerous fantasy world that will only harm Arden.


I remind her that most of our close friends are straight, most of Arden’s school friend’s family will be straight but she is part of a lesbian headed family and may be the only child in her school with two mommies. That there will be times where as a result, she will feel different. She needs to be part of and aware of GLBT culture.


That there are thousands of other families with two mommies in MA. Many of those families created with donor sperm of all types. And those families to provide their children with other families like theirs do come together in parenting support groups and play groups. Right there, that wasn’t fantasy that was reality.


GLBT culture exists along with the life my mother is familiar with. That it sucks that there is veil of ‘separate’, but that while it is a lot thinner here in MA, so much so that she may not notice it, it very much exists. That even today Erin’s and my marriage could come up to a public vote. That in other parts of the country, it is a weighted curtain and until that line of separation is abolished there will be a separate world of GLBT culture.


That GLBT culture is part of Arden’s heritage and part of her upbringing. That she will live a life more enriched for the experience. Already this one child has been shown so much love and acceptance from so many people from all sides of life, how could she not help but to thrive?


This is a conversation that did not end. Erin walked in and my mother is uncomfortable arguing any point that she thinks might be controversial with both of us.


But really it will never have an ending this argument. It is a just a continuation and example of one of our struggles in creating our little family. A struggle my sister and brother will not face with my mother even if one of them had to use a donor to create their children.


A struggle we wouldn’t have had to face if we had just used #3458 from the bank.


But I suppose that is life isn’t it? A constant struggle to each reward.


Tomorrow…. The donor post script.