P.S. Ripples of Actuality
Today Arden is 6 months old.
This morning in the bath she was sitting and cheerfully splashing and slashing the water’s surface with a spatula. Intent as always with the mechanics of each ripple of water as my hands periodically interrupted her play darting around scrubbing tiny toes and chubby thighs.
She looked up at me, hair slick and gives me that gummy grin that seizes my heart and rinses the memory of a night riddled with restless sleep snatched between uncharacteristic boughts of fussiness and an extra 4am feeding session.
A moment of pure connection and undiluted affection… a gift unparalleled and mine to hold close.
I think one of our hardest things about our situation with KD is the awareness that he will never have a morning like that with Arden.
He wasn’t present at her birth, her first smile or her first taste of food. Over the past six months there has been a kaleidoscope of memories that have enriched Erin’s and my life that he can never relive.
Perhaps in the beginning he didn’t know what to expect. Nobody truly did. I don’t think you can until you are confronted with the actuality and not just the supposition.
Necessity and logic required the agreement that defines how Erin and I wanted to create a family.
Human emotion does not account for necessity and logic.
KD is left to negotiate that minefield alone while Erin, Arden and I step through it as a family.
This morning in the bath she was sitting and cheerfully splashing and slashing the water’s surface with a spatula. Intent as always with the mechanics of each ripple of water as my hands periodically interrupted her play darting around scrubbing tiny toes and chubby thighs.
She looked up at me, hair slick and gives me that gummy grin that seizes my heart and rinses the memory of a night riddled with restless sleep snatched between uncharacteristic boughts of fussiness and an extra 4am feeding session.
A moment of pure connection and undiluted affection… a gift unparalleled and mine to hold close.
I think one of our hardest things about our situation with KD is the awareness that he will never have a morning like that with Arden.
He wasn’t present at her birth, her first smile or her first taste of food. Over the past six months there has been a kaleidoscope of memories that have enriched Erin’s and my life that he can never relive.
Perhaps in the beginning he didn’t know what to expect. Nobody truly did. I don’t think you can until you are confronted with the actuality and not just the supposition.
Necessity and logic required the agreement that defines how Erin and I wanted to create a family.
Human emotion does not account for necessity and logic.
KD is left to negotiate that minefield alone while Erin, Arden and I step through it as a family.
posted by Mama2Arden | 9:59 PM
1 Comments:
Sounds like you have been having a tough time with the KN thing. Isn't it bizarre how the feelings can change? I know I never wanted to know of Charlie's siblings. But now that I have had to reach out to them for medical reasons, I find myself thinking of them a LOT, particularly his half brother (but then, I knew the mother before we knew the boys were related). I want to know more, but at the same time I want to keep my distance.
I hope that the feelings about the donor (and your mother's bizarre reaction to the whole thing) are able to be sorted out and lived with. She's still young, the event is still so fresh for everyone. Everything will work out in the end.
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